oh my lord and taylor.

i only come here to vent. blogging is absolutely a good venting mechanism.

man, the last two weeks have been kicking my sorry little ass. i had mono, strep, and the flu. got in some pretty major arguments and butt heads with a room mate/good friend which is always just uncomfortable, especially when you can't exactly escape.

but, worst of all, i keep making the same mistakes. i keep wanting what i cant have. or going after things/people i THINK i can have but it ends up being just a giant slap in the face. im almost twenty years old and while i've done a LOT of growing up in the past year, i still have a lot of growing up and learning to do. i need to learn not to give a fuck. i keep hanging onto things that are only holding me back and bogging me down, which is ridiculous. if you people watch the glory that is the L word, you would know who shane is. my ass keeps getting told that im just a big old shane. i look like shane, i act like shane, i sometimes dress like shane {which i dont necessarily take as a compliment}. but my attitude is so unbelievably unlike shanes. i have her swagger but sweet jesus i wish i had her attitude. a lot of times i get perceived as having a fuck it attitude and i just need to make it apparent that im emotionally unavailable. i dont really think thats possible for me. im an emotional person and i'm absolutely driven by emotion. and it sucks, yes, but i know when i find someone who appreciates it, it wont be such a huge barrier. im so hung up on the people that dont appreciate who i am. and who i am is not going to change. i love so much and i love hard. i care about people far more than i care about myself. maybe its a downfall, i dont know. but it seems to keep getting me into trouble. i can find love, but real love is what is special to me. and i hold on to what i think i could really love. if it serves no purpose in love...peace out. but if it has potential, bring it on. i'll fight for it. and i NEED to move on to bigger things. im so eager to spoil someone. i think im a serial monogamist. THAT is a downfall. ew.

biggest issue: working on myself. i appreciate who i am. and i cant wait for someone to figure me out the way i want to figure them out.

in other news: i get to see goo tomorrow! she's paying me a visit.

and colorado for spring break. yyyeaaahhhh budddyyyyy.

peace and love,

lo blow.

wow. i look at my past posts and think "damn i can be a whiny bitch". but then i think about what im about to write and its probably gonna make me sound like a whiny bitch. its a lose lose for me. whatev.

alright so...i feel like i've done the right thing. i've rid myself of the things that were holding me back. i've started over. i've gotten my friends back and i can honestly say im almost to the point of loving my life again.

my problem? i question it. i question whether or not i've done the right thing. do i miss what i had? of course i do. do i miss basically the only person i've known for the last eleven months? of course i do. but when i have so many people telling me that i've done the right thing, i feel like i shouldnt question it. im finally living.

other than that, life is going pretty well. i like who i like. i do have an interest. and im happy ish. just trying to stand firm in my decisions and follow what i feel. i just hope i can stick it out. i cant wait for christmas break. yes please. i hope everyone finds themselves pleased with their decisions.

peace and love,

lo.

have you ever..

almost four months.

almost FOUR MONTHS i had someone chasing after me. they dealt with my MANY mess ups, all my faults, all my flaws. i was even chasing after someone else at one point and they were still persistent on showing me what i meant to them. i was told they wanted to marry me, that they had never been so in love with someone in their life. talked about me to everyone. and had no shame in loving me whatsoever. i screwed up a lot this past summer and i hurt this person more than i could've ever imagined. i never wanted to. you never really WANT to hurt someone. anyway, they stuck by me all those times i did shitty horrible things. that's love, isn't it? 

you'd think. 

one too many times i hurt them, they get to turn around and hurt me right back. so many times. its like my feelings dont even matter anymore. once i fell in love, it does not matter. nothing i do matters. i lost my friends, i pushed my family away. all because it meant more time with mls and thats all i wanted. ever. and then i just end up getting completely crushed. thats how i feel. crushed. i was lied to and basically emotionally abused. the worst part? no one cares.

wow. um...haven't updated in awhile and just read my last post from three months ago. shameful. 

well to get things out of the way, i did end up doing summer rep and i'm having the time of my life. i assistant directed the Curate Shakespeare's As You Like It which was a total blast. and then I got cast in a show called Ardy Fafirsin and i'm playing a giant whore. completely type cast if you ask me but it works for me. :D

i ended up buying a puppy a few days after that post. she is the love of my life and the apple of my eye. well, more or less. her name is gracie lou freebush and she's a five month old german shepherd who loves her mama more than her mama loves her which is ridiculous. though today was shit because i found out i cant have her in my apartment for a year because the people who work at the exchange are assholes. but at least she'll be close to me and i can see her every day. i just dont want to be without her. {remember the part when i said i loved my dog? i wasn't joking}

im stressed. but i have amazing people in my life. lost a few, gained a few, some friends have made my shit list but life goes on. im poor- problem one. my boss sucks- problem two. and if i explained to you all my other problems, you would've wasted a day of your life. get me through the next month and i'll be fine. select people get me through the day. others just piss me off. 

other than that quick-ish update, there isn't a whole lot of new things. talk in three months.

peace and love,

lo.

and the boys, ah ah ah.

i cant believe it is april already. it seems like yesterday it was new years and i was pouring champagne into plastic flutes and having it spill everywhere because the flutes were stupid and cheap, but then toasted to my friends any way. and now i'm almost a sophomore in college? are you joking me? i feel old. i'm eighteen and i feel old. its ridiculous. this year has been rough and good so far i must say, though. this year as in 2009. the school year also though. lets go down the list of my year thus far, shall we? commentary included.
i witnessed a birth. well sort of. not like a typical birth, i wasn't in the room. but i got to see a one pound gorgeous little girl about 5 minutes after she was born. {to say the least i wanted to put her in my purse and take her home. no one would have known.}
started my second semester of college. {you've got to be kidding me}
signed a lease for an apartment. {look out, exchange}
got asked to apply for the honors program at school because of my gpa last semester. {did they see the classes i took last semester?}
had elevated chest and breathing problems and got put into the hospital...twice. one time for two nights and the second time for three nights. {though having morphine injected straight into you makes the stay a little nicer. the food was enough to make me want to leave. i didnt care how bad i felt}
made an impromptu and spontaneous trip to oklahoma to surprise a friend. {good thing she didnt mind}
i fell in love. {awesome feeling, by the way}
i got my heart broken. {awesome feeling? not so much}
i went and stayed in dallas for the first time in my life. {sorry. i thought it was interesting}
i attended my first bid day. {what happened there?}
taylor swift. {need i say more?}
i have made a friend that i believe will be one of my best friends forever and her name is christina stroup. {cheesy enough? you'll deal}
aside from all that jazz, i dont know if i have ever been so ridiculously busy. school and theatre do not mix well. but i love it :) life is treating me fairly decently right now and i hope it will continue to. no more moping, no more sadness {i mean for now at least}.
oh and i'm dying for a puppy to complete my apartment next semester. and will someone please make up my mind and tell me whether or not to do summer rep? awesome. thanks.

peace and love,
lo

taking one for the team.

i really should update this more often. i'm sorry that i don't. not like too many people read this business any way.

same old same old. i've been up to no good as usual. its terrrrrible, i know!

life is hectic, but such is life.. i'm learning to accept the things i cannot change and to deal with life's blows. i had an awesome conversation with my best friend tonight that was truly needed, and it was exactly what i needed. 

i dont really know what else to say. life is going. 

peace and love,

lo

set me up.

i wish i understood why we can fall in love, get hurt, and then feel like once you've been broken hearted, you feel like you can't love much any more.

tell me i fell in love too fast. that's okay with me. i did it at my own pace, and it worked for me. I fell in love with a person who says they were in love with me. it made sense. i mean it would, right? you legitimately care about someone, and they care the same for you. 

fall in love. i dare you.

the words said then "i love you!" "i love you too!"

now it;s "i love you" "..."

ouch. i'm not trying to be dramatic here, but that is really extremely hurtful. how can someone fall out of love so quickly?

so much has happened this week. i wish i could turn back time and just be happy with them. i did love them. i still do. in love? im trying to fall out. if anyone has any advice please let me know. i would love to start feeling better.