oh my lord and taylor.

i only come here to vent. blogging is absolutely a good venting mechanism.

man, the last two weeks have been kicking my sorry little ass. i had mono, strep, and the flu. got in some pretty major arguments and butt heads with a room mate/good friend which is always just uncomfortable, especially when you can't exactly escape.

but, worst of all, i keep making the same mistakes. i keep wanting what i cant have. or going after things/people i THINK i can have but it ends up being just a giant slap in the face. im almost twenty years old and while i've done a LOT of growing up in the past year, i still have a lot of growing up and learning to do. i need to learn not to give a fuck. i keep hanging onto things that are only holding me back and bogging me down, which is ridiculous. if you people watch the glory that is the L word, you would know who shane is. my ass keeps getting told that im just a big old shane. i look like shane, i act like shane, i sometimes dress like shane {which i dont necessarily take as a compliment}. but my attitude is so unbelievably unlike shanes. i have her swagger but sweet jesus i wish i had her attitude. a lot of times i get perceived as having a fuck it attitude and i just need to make it apparent that im emotionally unavailable. i dont really think thats possible for me. im an emotional person and i'm absolutely driven by emotion. and it sucks, yes, but i know when i find someone who appreciates it, it wont be such a huge barrier. im so hung up on the people that dont appreciate who i am. and who i am is not going to change. i love so much and i love hard. i care about people far more than i care about myself. maybe its a downfall, i dont know. but it seems to keep getting me into trouble. i can find love, but real love is what is special to me. and i hold on to what i think i could really love. if it serves no purpose in love...peace out. but if it has potential, bring it on. i'll fight for it. and i NEED to move on to bigger things. im so eager to spoil someone. i think im a serial monogamist. THAT is a downfall. ew.

biggest issue: working on myself. i appreciate who i am. and i cant wait for someone to figure me out the way i want to figure them out.

in other news: i get to see goo tomorrow! she's paying me a visit.

and colorado for spring break. yyyeaaahhhh budddyyyyy.

peace and love,

lo blow.