have you ever..

almost four months.

almost FOUR MONTHS i had someone chasing after me. they dealt with my MANY mess ups, all my faults, all my flaws. i was even chasing after someone else at one point and they were still persistent on showing me what i meant to them. i was told they wanted to marry me, that they had never been so in love with someone in their life. talked about me to everyone. and had no shame in loving me whatsoever. i screwed up a lot this past summer and i hurt this person more than i could've ever imagined. i never wanted to. you never really WANT to hurt someone. anyway, they stuck by me all those times i did shitty horrible things. that's love, isn't it? 

you'd think. 

one too many times i hurt them, they get to turn around and hurt me right back. so many times. its like my feelings dont even matter anymore. once i fell in love, it does not matter. nothing i do matters. i lost my friends, i pushed my family away. all because it meant more time with mls and thats all i wanted. ever. and then i just end up getting completely crushed. thats how i feel. crushed. i was lied to and basically emotionally abused. the worst part? no one cares.

wow. um...haven't updated in awhile and just read my last post from three months ago. shameful. 

well to get things out of the way, i did end up doing summer rep and i'm having the time of my life. i assistant directed the Curate Shakespeare's As You Like It which was a total blast. and then I got cast in a show called Ardy Fafirsin and i'm playing a giant whore. completely type cast if you ask me but it works for me. :D

i ended up buying a puppy a few days after that post. she is the love of my life and the apple of my eye. well, more or less. her name is gracie lou freebush and she's a five month old german shepherd who loves her mama more than her mama loves her which is ridiculous. though today was shit because i found out i cant have her in my apartment for a year because the people who work at the exchange are assholes. but at least she'll be close to me and i can see her every day. i just dont want to be without her. {remember the part when i said i loved my dog? i wasn't joking}

im stressed. but i have amazing people in my life. lost a few, gained a few, some friends have made my shit list but life goes on. im poor- problem one. my boss sucks- problem two. and if i explained to you all my other problems, you would've wasted a day of your life. get me through the next month and i'll be fine. select people get me through the day. others just piss me off. 

other than that quick-ish update, there isn't a whole lot of new things. talk in three months.

peace and love,

lo.

and the boys, ah ah ah.

i cant believe it is april already. it seems like yesterday it was new years and i was pouring champagne into plastic flutes and having it spill everywhere because the flutes were stupid and cheap, but then toasted to my friends any way. and now i'm almost a sophomore in college? are you joking me? i feel old. i'm eighteen and i feel old. its ridiculous. this year has been rough and good so far i must say, though. this year as in 2009. the school year also though. lets go down the list of my year thus far, shall we? commentary included.
i witnessed a birth. well sort of. not like a typical birth, i wasn't in the room. but i got to see a one pound gorgeous little girl about 5 minutes after she was born. {to say the least i wanted to put her in my purse and take her home. no one would have known.}
started my second semester of college. {you've got to be kidding me}
signed a lease for an apartment. {look out, exchange}
got asked to apply for the honors program at school because of my gpa last semester. {did they see the classes i took last semester?}
had elevated chest and breathing problems and got put into the hospital...twice. one time for two nights and the second time for three nights. {though having morphine injected straight into you makes the stay a little nicer. the food was enough to make me want to leave. i didnt care how bad i felt}
made an impromptu and spontaneous trip to oklahoma to surprise a friend. {good thing she didnt mind}
i fell in love. {awesome feeling, by the way}
i got my heart broken. {awesome feeling? not so much}
i went and stayed in dallas for the first time in my life. {sorry. i thought it was interesting}
i attended my first bid day. {what happened there?}
taylor swift. {need i say more?}
i have made a friend that i believe will be one of my best friends forever and her name is christina stroup. {cheesy enough? you'll deal}
aside from all that jazz, i dont know if i have ever been so ridiculously busy. school and theatre do not mix well. but i love it :) life is treating me fairly decently right now and i hope it will continue to. no more moping, no more sadness {i mean for now at least}.
oh and i'm dying for a puppy to complete my apartment next semester. and will someone please make up my mind and tell me whether or not to do summer rep? awesome. thanks.

peace and love,
lo

taking one for the team.

i really should update this more often. i'm sorry that i don't. not like too many people read this business any way.

same old same old. i've been up to no good as usual. its terrrrrible, i know!

life is hectic, but such is life.. i'm learning to accept the things i cannot change and to deal with life's blows. i had an awesome conversation with my best friend tonight that was truly needed, and it was exactly what i needed. 

i dont really know what else to say. life is going. 

peace and love,

lo

set me up.

i wish i understood why we can fall in love, get hurt, and then feel like once you've been broken hearted, you feel like you can't love much any more.

tell me i fell in love too fast. that's okay with me. i did it at my own pace, and it worked for me. I fell in love with a person who says they were in love with me. it made sense. i mean it would, right? you legitimately care about someone, and they care the same for you. 

fall in love. i dare you.

the words said then "i love you!" "i love you too!"

now it;s "i love you" "..."

ouch. i'm not trying to be dramatic here, but that is really extremely hurtful. how can someone fall out of love so quickly?

so much has happened this week. i wish i could turn back time and just be happy with them. i did love them. i still do. in love? im trying to fall out. if anyone has any advice please let me know. i would love to start feeling better.

i'm a hazard to myself.

once again my life can be summed up in the lyrics of a pink song. this explains it all perfectly --

every day I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself 

don't let me get me

i'm my own worst enemy.

it's bad when you annoy yourself.

so irritating

i don't want to be my friend no more

I want to be somebody else.

every day i try to tell myself everything will be okay. it'll all be okay. why cant i let myself believe it? i'll tell you one thing i have begun to believe, and that is that i am one depressed individual. i thought i would start over and start fresh in college. but being sad seems to follow me every where i go. why can't i just not care and give all of my problems to God? it isn't fair to fight a war against yourself, against your own body. i punched a wall the other day. you could say that i regret it a great deal. i cannot do this to myself any more. i need to learn how to let go. i wrote a dear depression last friday. i told it i was gonna stop, that it needed to leave me alone, and i told it how big my God is. i'm starting to learn I cannot tell God how big my problem is, but instead tell my problem how big my God is. my life is being ruled by this "disorder". i have lost sleep. i have punched walls. i have hated myself for the longest time. enough is enough. i can't do this any more. not only am i hurting myself, i'm hurting the ones who love me and who care enough to help me. i've been shutting them out and just doing what my first instinct is-listen to the evil whispering in your ear. its been there for so long why shut it out now? well i'm on the road to trying. i ask for powerful prayers to help get me through this from all of my friends and believers. this is a mountain i'm trying to get over and right now all i'm doing is looking at the sign that says which direction the mountain is. i will get to the other side. with or without your help. but i have all the help that matters. though it would hurt to know my friends didn't care, i have who i need in my life to help get me through this. its one person but He can do a whole lot more than imaginable. i appreciate any and all comments, whether good or bad. i apologize to everyone if i have hurt you through out this process of struggling. i promise it isn't intended. i just had the wrong thing in my head. i don't hate or dislike easily. i love most everyone except myself. but i'll get there. 

though always genuine, this one is sealed with extra

peace and love to you all,

lauren

drops of jupiter in her hair

i wish i could change myself up a little bit.

you know, not be so insecure sometimes.

but i dont think that day will ever come. 

at least that's how i feel right now on top of being sick and contemplative.

i can't let myself slip again. its not only heartbreaking for me but heartbreaking for others. its so unbelievably hard! i hate it!

i just have to keep attempting to be strong. it has to pass eventually, right?

peace and love

lauren.