i'm a hazard to myself.

once again my life can be summed up in the lyrics of a pink song. this explains it all perfectly --

every day I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself 

don't let me get me

i'm my own worst enemy.

it's bad when you annoy yourself.

so irritating

i don't want to be my friend no more

I want to be somebody else.

every day i try to tell myself everything will be okay. it'll all be okay. why cant i let myself believe it? i'll tell you one thing i have begun to believe, and that is that i am one depressed individual. i thought i would start over and start fresh in college. but being sad seems to follow me every where i go. why can't i just not care and give all of my problems to God? it isn't fair to fight a war against yourself, against your own body. i punched a wall the other day. you could say that i regret it a great deal. i cannot do this to myself any more. i need to learn how to let go. i wrote a dear depression last friday. i told it i was gonna stop, that it needed to leave me alone, and i told it how big my God is. i'm starting to learn I cannot tell God how big my problem is, but instead tell my problem how big my God is. my life is being ruled by this "disorder". i have lost sleep. i have punched walls. i have hated myself for the longest time. enough is enough. i can't do this any more. not only am i hurting myself, i'm hurting the ones who love me and who care enough to help me. i've been shutting them out and just doing what my first instinct is-listen to the evil whispering in your ear. its been there for so long why shut it out now? well i'm on the road to trying. i ask for powerful prayers to help get me through this from all of my friends and believers. this is a mountain i'm trying to get over and right now all i'm doing is looking at the sign that says which direction the mountain is. i will get to the other side. with or without your help. but i have all the help that matters. though it would hurt to know my friends didn't care, i have who i need in my life to help get me through this. its one person but He can do a whole lot more than imaginable. i appreciate any and all comments, whether good or bad. i apologize to everyone if i have hurt you through out this process of struggling. i promise it isn't intended. i just had the wrong thing in my head. i don't hate or dislike easily. i love most everyone except myself. but i'll get there. 

though always genuine, this one is sealed with extra

peace and love to you all,

lauren

drops of jupiter in her hair

i wish i could change myself up a little bit.

you know, not be so insecure sometimes.

but i dont think that day will ever come. 

at least that's how i feel right now on top of being sick and contemplative.

i can't let myself slip again. its not only heartbreaking for me but heartbreaking for others. its so unbelievably hard! i hate it!

i just have to keep attempting to be strong. it has to pass eventually, right?

peace and love

lauren.

now i think i'm ready to bust a move.

first let me start off by apologizing for waiting nearly a month to make an entry about college. i wrote a note on facebook though, so back off me.

now getting down to it...

i..love...college. i think i am just one of those people who was meant to go to college. i know it sounds stupid but i believe that it's true. my dorm room is probably one of the coolest dorm rooms anyone will ever encounter. it is the orangest thing you've ever seen more than likely. erin and i get along fantastically (knock on wood), and like i've said before i couldn't have asked for a better room mate. i heart her.

i get made fun of alot because i do have a pretty easy schedule. three theatre classes, a dance class, a math class, and a college study course. im sure next semester will kill me, but right now i'm just enjoying my current schedule. 

no trouble just yet. i'm a good girl i am. except getting scolded for having a party in our dorm. heath sang too loud. his fault. 

not a whole mess of crap to talk about, really. just wanted to update this thing a little bit! i hope everyone is enjoying college as much as i am!

peace and love,

lauren

the future freaks me out.

i'm on fire, and now i think i'm ready to bust a move.

i can't believe THE day is actually here. well...not quite. but i move into school TOMORROW! summer flew by as we all knew it would. but i am happy to say that i couldn't be happier with where i am in life, and couldn't be leaving on a more positive note. this summer has been one of the best summers of my entire life. 

i believe i got blessed with an amazing room mate, and i sincerely believe that it was fate that put us together. we are insane, which is perfect. i cannot wait to start setting up our dorm and to make it look ghetto fabulous. 

thank you to all of my friends and family who made this summer the absolute best. i couldn't have asked for a better way to start a new chapter of my life--with all of you in it. 

i hope everyone has an awesome year, and i will do my best to update this as much as possible!

peace and love,

lauren

like they have any right at all to criticize.

finally i feel like i'm at a content place in my life. 

dare i say it, but i'm somewhat happy with myself and with my accomplishments thus far. 

i move into my dorm in fifteen days and am stoked...because my room mate is awesome. 

i hope everyone is doing as well as i am

peace and love,

lauren

lay all your love on me.

currently obsessed with the mamma mia movie and soundtrack...get over it.

i love it.

season four of weeds is spectacular so far. and i'm glad i have corrupted some of my friends who now watch the show.

charlie brown opens this week! holla! everyone should come and see it.

aaaand i go to the bahamas in three weeks. WHAT?!

thats all for now.

peace and love,

lauren

when life is awful, just jump on a straw full.

i apologize for lacking in the new post department. i've been super busy with work and charlie brown, which i am so pumped about.

new york was fabulous. i just realized i hadn't written about it. i'm in love with our tour guide jim. i'm almost positive he was in love with me too. check out my full note on facebook for complete details.

charlie brown opens in two weeks. crazzzyyyyy. i'm so excited though, and i think everybody else is too. this is one of the best casts i have ever worked with and i love it. i have made some of the best friends ever, and i love them to death.

i honestly can't stress it enough. i am so excited for college. i'm pretty sure of who my roomate is and i love her and she is awesome. i'm just looking forward to people not knowing me, and i get to recreate my image to them, if that makes any sense at all. i'm trying to shake the paranoia, and i'm hoping college helps. 

life is well. i'm content.

peace and love,

lauren.