i'm a hazard to myself.

once again my life can be summed up in the lyrics of a pink song. this explains it all perfectly --

every day I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself 

don't let me get me

i'm my own worst enemy.

it's bad when you annoy yourself.

so irritating

i don't want to be my friend no more

I want to be somebody else.

every day i try to tell myself everything will be okay. it'll all be okay. why cant i let myself believe it? i'll tell you one thing i have begun to believe, and that is that i am one depressed individual. i thought i would start over and start fresh in college. but being sad seems to follow me every where i go. why can't i just not care and give all of my problems to God? it isn't fair to fight a war against yourself, against your own body. i punched a wall the other day. you could say that i regret it a great deal. i cannot do this to myself any more. i need to learn how to let go. i wrote a dear depression last friday. i told it i was gonna stop, that it needed to leave me alone, and i told it how big my God is. i'm starting to learn I cannot tell God how big my problem is, but instead tell my problem how big my God is. my life is being ruled by this "disorder". i have lost sleep. i have punched walls. i have hated myself for the longest time. enough is enough. i can't do this any more. not only am i hurting myself, i'm hurting the ones who love me and who care enough to help me. i've been shutting them out and just doing what my first instinct is-listen to the evil whispering in your ear. its been there for so long why shut it out now? well i'm on the road to trying. i ask for powerful prayers to help get me through this from all of my friends and believers. this is a mountain i'm trying to get over and right now all i'm doing is looking at the sign that says which direction the mountain is. i will get to the other side. with or without your help. but i have all the help that matters. though it would hurt to know my friends didn't care, i have who i need in my life to help get me through this. its one person but He can do a whole lot more than imaginable. i appreciate any and all comments, whether good or bad. i apologize to everyone if i have hurt you through out this process of struggling. i promise it isn't intended. i just had the wrong thing in my head. i don't hate or dislike easily. i love most everyone except myself. but i'll get there. 

though always genuine, this one is sealed with extra

peace and love to you all,

lauren

drops of jupiter in her hair

i wish i could change myself up a little bit.

you know, not be so insecure sometimes.

but i dont think that day will ever come. 

at least that's how i feel right now on top of being sick and contemplative.

i can't let myself slip again. its not only heartbreaking for me but heartbreaking for others. its so unbelievably hard! i hate it!

i just have to keep attempting to be strong. it has to pass eventually, right?

peace and love

lauren.

now i think i'm ready to bust a move.

first let me start off by apologizing for waiting nearly a month to make an entry about college. i wrote a note on facebook though, so back off me.

now getting down to it...

i..love...college. i think i am just one of those people who was meant to go to college. i know it sounds stupid but i believe that it's true. my dorm room is probably one of the coolest dorm rooms anyone will ever encounter. it is the orangest thing you've ever seen more than likely. erin and i get along fantastically (knock on wood), and like i've said before i couldn't have asked for a better room mate. i heart her.

i get made fun of alot because i do have a pretty easy schedule. three theatre classes, a dance class, a math class, and a college study course. im sure next semester will kill me, but right now i'm just enjoying my current schedule. 

no trouble just yet. i'm a good girl i am. except getting scolded for having a party in our dorm. heath sang too loud. his fault. 

not a whole mess of crap to talk about, really. just wanted to update this thing a little bit! i hope everyone is enjoying college as much as i am!

peace and love,

lauren

the future freaks me out.

i'm on fire, and now i think i'm ready to bust a move.

i can't believe THE day is actually here. well...not quite. but i move into school TOMORROW! summer flew by as we all knew it would. but i am happy to say that i couldn't be happier with where i am in life, and couldn't be leaving on a more positive note. this summer has been one of the best summers of my entire life. 

i believe i got blessed with an amazing room mate, and i sincerely believe that it was fate that put us together. we are insane, which is perfect. i cannot wait to start setting up our dorm and to make it look ghetto fabulous. 

thank you to all of my friends and family who made this summer the absolute best. i couldn't have asked for a better way to start a new chapter of my life--with all of you in it. 

i hope everyone has an awesome year, and i will do my best to update this as much as possible!

peace and love,

lauren

like they have any right at all to criticize.

finally i feel like i'm at a content place in my life. 

dare i say it, but i'm somewhat happy with myself and with my accomplishments thus far. 

i move into my dorm in fifteen days and am stoked...because my room mate is awesome. 

i hope everyone is doing as well as i am

peace and love,

lauren

lay all your love on me.

currently obsessed with the mamma mia movie and soundtrack...get over it.

i love it.

season four of weeds is spectacular so far. and i'm glad i have corrupted some of my friends who now watch the show.

charlie brown opens this week! holla! everyone should come and see it.

aaaand i go to the bahamas in three weeks. WHAT?!

thats all for now.

peace and love,

lauren

when life is awful, just jump on a straw full.

i apologize for lacking in the new post department. i've been super busy with work and charlie brown, which i am so pumped about.

new york was fabulous. i just realized i hadn't written about it. i'm in love with our tour guide jim. i'm almost positive he was in love with me too. check out my full note on facebook for complete details.

charlie brown opens in two weeks. crazzzyyyyy. i'm so excited though, and i think everybody else is too. this is one of the best casts i have ever worked with and i love it. i have made some of the best friends ever, and i love them to death.

i honestly can't stress it enough. i am so excited for college. i'm pretty sure of who my roomate is and i love her and she is awesome. i'm just looking forward to people not knowing me, and i get to recreate my image to them, if that makes any sense at all. i'm trying to shake the paranoia, and i'm hoping college helps. 

life is well. i'm content.

peace and love,

lauren.

when you're feeling empty, leave me in your memory.

i'm so ready for summer. but so not ready to leave some of my friends. admit it, everyone is a little bit flaky. tomorrow may be the last day i ever see some of my "friends". granted, many of us have jobs and will be busy working this summer. but there are some people who i worry i will never see again. and that just sucks.

on a lighter note, life is going pretty well. my new job is kinda cool i guess. i felt bad cuz i walked in today and a girl that i've never worked with was like hey whats goin on and i think the phrase is completely retarded to say to EVERYONE who walks in the door, and i think that expression showed on my face. so hopefully she didn't think i was giving her the stink eye or something. and its not the way my face looks so hopefully she didnt think that either.

i really do love all the information i can gather from perez hilton, but he is a woman fo sho.

sorry, i got a bit side tracked.

i saw the strangers this past weekend. FANTASTIC MOVIE! omg...like a legit scary movie. so good. if you're thinking about seeing it, see it. 

i hope everyone is doing great. i'm always just a phone call away for anyone. i mean...except for the creepers. 

peace and love,

lauren

shake it.

i just want to shake this feeling of something's wrong. 

i can't stand always worrying about what people think of me. People think it is easy for me to live my life always being afraid of trust, always being afraid of giving in, and always being afraid of what people are saying. It's not easy. You don't know what I've been through. I'm not trying to gain sympathy from anybody, I promise. I just wish people could understand that this trait is NOT something i asked for. This paranoid characteristic is not my friend, and quite frankly, i just want it to go away. 

second thought--

people are cruel. not just to me, but just in retrospect. i think people say things that they dont think are audible sometimes, but believe it or not, they are. there are people i know who thrive off of putting others down. they live vicariously through the evil remarks that they dont think someone will hear or someone will find out. we do. you people know how i am. i seek and search for these things to try to mend the problems that may be surfaced. but honestly, if you're talking shit just to hear yourself talk and for no other reason than to just say something about someone, then keep your mouth closed. if all you do is gab on and on about people, i promise you you will have a very difficult time with the future. i'm just so frustrated with people and their attitudes these days. we may not all like each other but for the love of God, if you absolutely have to say anything at all, say it in privacy. don't voice your opinion when they are sitting right in front of you. 

i'm sorry if this post was negative, i just hate seeing people being treated the way they are being treated. there are a few so called "friends" that i honestly just can not wait to get away from this summer because all they do is talk shit. RUDE. i love my friends, and yes there are some people i have to deal with that i dont get along with all the time. but that doesn't mean i go say stupid things that they can hear. it's just rude. 

anyway. i'm pumped for the summer and for charlie brown and new york and now the bahamas! SO ready to go. i love the new friends i've made as well as the old ones of course. i dont want anyone {with the exception of the people this post was aimed at} to become a stranger this summer. i really hope to see everyone. 

reality bites.

prom weekend was AMAZING!

our group kind of saved a life. then i got a citation which sucked. that cop was a douche bag who gets off to his badge. thats all i have to say. 

my back is burnt so i kind of want to punch something really hard. its at the itchy state so i hate myself right now. 

EWW the month of may just needs to be over. i have so much stuff due by the end of the month. my effing senior scrapbook is due in like five days...i've only done one page. i'm so busy and have no time. we want that. we want to take an extra chunk of time and set it aside but we can't do that because it's not possible. all we have is here and now and that is why procrastination feels so right.

procrastinate now. don't put it off.

peace and love

lauren

it's a marvelous memory...

prommmm tomorrow!

im pretty pumped i guess. there are certain people (certain person) i'd rather not deal with all weekend but i guess its the price i pay. 

anna is coming, so she'll keep me sanneeee!

plus sarah told me not to worry about it, so...i won't.

boys auditions are tomorrow as well. IF YOU'RE A SINGING BOY AND WANT TO AUDITION FOR CHARLIE BROWN...CALL ME..NOW!

we need boys so bad. otherwise its going to turn into freakin charlene brown. no one wants that crap. although we did think of transforming the boys names to girls names.

shut up, it was a last resort so dont judge.

i'm almost out of my meds. i should probably get that refilled so i dont want to be all sad soon. bump that noise. it's been a few months since i last slipped. i'm sorta proud of myself, especially after the crap i had to deal with on tuesday. go me.

sleep is necessary before the long weekend. i hope everyone's life is wonderful. live it.

peace and love,

lauren.

alright so now that we've established that girls are bitches, lets go ahead and throw out onto the table the fact that guys are douche bags. not all, but apparently the ones i go for.

the past fifteen or so hours have been shit and a half. i guess the new rule for dating is if you're dating one person, you can get back with your ex and remain exempt from telling them. 

wait...sorry. i thought for a second that my blog was bullshit.

this whole situation just sucks. im starting to lose faith in the male race. but would never in a million years go lesbian, so i guess i'll have to keep the faith and keep handing out chances.

i probably should've seen this coming. whatever.

im pumped for the weekend. and for charlie brown. you have no idea. i hope all is well in your life just to make up for mine.

p.s. sarah, i am tremendously flattered that you copied me and got a blog.

peace and love,

lauren

your eggs are from the forties!

i have a theory. one that is quite obvious and i'm sure that everyone knows. 

you're supposed to treat people the way you would like to be treated. 

basically, stop being bitches.

my first blog.

this set up seemed to be a bit more mature than the regular xanga set up, even if no one reads it any way, it's going to allow me to rant and rave however much i want. 

prom is next weekend. im stoked. please, no drama.

girls are bitches, though i knew this quite a long time ago.

we cast the girls of charlie brown yesterday, which was pretty exciting. we need some boys though.. the girls are as follows.

Lucy Van Pelt - Sarah Feye/US-Haven Martin

Peppermint Patty - Lauren Christlieb/US-Rachel

Snoopy - Allison Roche/US- Hannah Martin

if you're reading this and are a dude, let me know if you are interested, because we need boys and we're holding another audition next weekend.

i hope everyone's weekend was wonderful. i saw kanye west be a prissy diva and rhianna woop his ass in the performance contest. so my weekend was complete.

peace and love,

lauren