every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
don't let me get me
i'm my own worst enemy.
it's bad when you annoy yourself.
so irritating
i don't want to be my friend no more
I want to be somebody else.
every day i try to tell myself everything will be okay. it'll all be okay. why cant i let myself believe it? i'll tell you one thing i have begun to believe, and that is that i am one depressed individual. i thought i would start over and start fresh in college. but being sad seems to follow me every where i go. why can't i just not care and give all of my problems to God? it isn't fair to fight a war against yourself, against your own body. i punched a wall the other day. you could say that i regret it a great deal. i cannot do this to myself any more. i need to learn how to let go. i wrote a dear depression last friday. i told it i was gonna stop, that it needed to leave me alone, and i told it how big my God is. i'm starting to learn I cannot tell God how big my problem is, but instead tell my problem how big my God is. my life is being ruled by this "disorder". i have lost sleep. i have punched walls. i have hated myself for the longest time. enough is enough. i can't do this any more. not only am i hurting myself, i'm hurting the ones who love me and who care enough to help me. i've been shutting them out and just doing what my first instinct is-listen to the evil whispering in your ear. its been there for so long why shut it out now? well i'm on the road to trying. i ask for powerful prayers to help get me through this from all of my friends and believers. this is a mountain i'm trying to get over and right now all i'm doing is looking at the sign that says which direction the mountain is. i will get to the other side. with or without your help. but i have all the help that matters. though it would hurt to know my friends didn't care, i have who i need in my life to help get me through this. its one person but He can do a whole lot more than imaginable. i appreciate any and all comments, whether good or bad. i apologize to everyone if i have hurt you through out this process of struggling. i promise it isn't intended. i just had the wrong thing in my head. i don't hate or dislike easily. i love most everyone except myself. but i'll get there.
though always genuine, this one is sealed with extra
peace and love to you all,
lauren
